Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes.

~ Originally Published January 12, 2017.

I don’t know who made it but I found that picture on Facebook awhile back & just held onto it until now because it hit so close to home. David Bowie died on January 10, 2016 but for the past year, I have mistakenly believed he died on January 12, 2016. That’s because January 10 was a Saturday & I had mostly spent my weekend unplugged. On Monday, as I was driving to work, the local independent public radio station was playing an all-day tribute to Bowie, so that’s how I learned about it…like it just happened that day. And I was stunned. I spent the next few hours in a daze (although there were also other personal things that contributed to my state of mind). That same day, I was sent home from work… a job I had held for fourteen years. Three weeks later I was, for the first time ever, fired.

After that, things just went from bad to worse. So in retrospect it began to seem like the moment I heard David Bowie was dead is the moment my universe began to fall apart.

Fortunately, I was hired by two different agencies within days & had job offers from a couple more. And I didn’t misrepresent myself, they knew the circumstances & still saw me as a highly-skilled professional with years of experience, education & training. I came to understand that, while I had in fact done something wrong, the majority of my peers understood that it was a mistake and a common one at that. No denying that I was wrong but on the other hand, no one was hurt either. The agency had the option to re-train me, or bring me back on a probationary period but they chose to fire me. So, having job offers rolling in was a good thing but the termination still stung. Like a fool I took the advice of my Union Representatives to file for unemployment & then fight for it on appeal. Even though I had started the new jobs & didn’t need the money. My pride & wounded sense of justice convinced me to do it & if I didn’t win, I’d at least have fun sticking it to The Man. What did that get me? It was an open invitation to slander. During the appeals hearing my former employers went on record, with their character assassination. The details of the termination inexplicably changed. To protect myself from legal problems, I had to sit silent because the unprofessional, unethical, illegal & immoral things that I knew management & co-workers were guilty of, were also things I was unable to prove.

A brother in Christ who took it upon himself to minister to me was quick to assess the damage. He said (about my job, not Bowie) it was just like a close relative had suddenly died & I had no chance to say goodbye. And that is exactly what it was like because I spent the next several months in mourning, working through the grieving process. Then, the part time weekend job made it impossible to attend church. And that agency had problems of its own, it started out so promising too but soon made my former hostile work environment seem like a golden age. Then the depression, the anxiety, etc.. Then divorce. Then… well, there was a lot of bad stuff. There was a lot of good stuff too: a great full-time job, a great new place to live, opportunities to play & write music again… but for every victory gained, a new inseparable, correlating defeat came along with it. Every time I started to rise up, I was beaten back down.

And the worst beat-down ever was still yet to come.

I tend to be a private person & an extremely loyal friend. I’ve learned that bottling up emotions & living a life of quiet desperation is ultimately self-defeating. I’ve learned how to burn bridges at a moments notice. I’ve learned how to walk away from people I still love. And I’ve learned that I deserve to be happy. I’ve learned that I’m not obligated to keep negative people in my life. Justice is not dead, she is just slow. Justice is always too slow for those who truly need her & too quick for those who don’t understand her.

There are some things I’m brutally honest about, some things I know others will never understand & some things I’ll never tell another soul. One day, without warning to either one of us, I texted a random thought (or epiphany) to my best friend. It said, “I didn’t know it was possible for one person to carry so much pain in their heart.”

Without a doubt, 2016 was the worst year of my entire life.

And I trace it all back to David Bowie dying. And I’m not overly-attached to celebrities. I don’t think their deaths are any more or less significant than any other persons. It’s just that, every time the news broke about another celebrity dying, it was like a mile-marker of awfulness. In almost all of these cases, I could make a mental connection to something bad happening currently happening in my personal life, so that the sum total of all celebrity deaths became symbolic of how hard the year was. Gary Shandling, Alan Rickman & Gene Wilder die & the world is a little less funny. Prince dies & the world is a little less fun. Then reports come out that he (who had a reputation for clean living) died of an overdose… and not even an illicit overdose but just an attempt to put an end to pain. Anton Yelchin dies in his driveway, run over by his own malfunctioning car & the car company basically blames the victim. So, now the world is a little less fair. Mohammed Ali & Senator John Glenn die. Now the world is a little less inspirational. Leonard Cohen dies & the world is a little less poetic. Ron Glass dies & the world is a little less gentle. Carrie Fisher dies… just in case you forgot that the world is now a little less funny, fair, inspirational & sexy. Then on the very last day of the year, the Padre himself, William Christopher dies & I’m too exhausted to react.

And I know that I am not alone in these thoughts. Throughout Advent, conversation after conversation revealed an overwhelming sense of dread just hanging in the air.

All this & I still haven’t even thought about Trump. And one of my favorite (if lesser known) Bowie lyrics comes to mind as being so apt, “I’m afraid of Americans.”, because it’s no longer about who won or who lost, it’s about who we are as a society & what kind of people we choose to be. While I still love them, there are many people who have lost my respect & trust because they knew full well what Trump represents & voted for him anyway.  In a Republic, we get the leaders we deserve, whether they are good or bad. By that measure, we have all lost & that needs to be fixed.  It’s not that I’m without hope but I have very little reason to believe that this year will be much better than last. If we manage to survive the next four years, I will not be surprised if it’s an uphill battle all the way.

Learn to do good. Seek justice. Help the oppressed. Defend the cause of orphans. Fight for the rights of widows. – Isaiah 1:17

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.  – Micah 6:8

Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets.  – Matthew 7:12

Love does no wrong to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the Law. – Romans 13:10

Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you. – James 4:27

Expecting justice, loving mercy & choosing to be humble doesn’t make you a snowflake, it makes you a fucking badass. It means that you are in the world but not of the world. That is Punk Rock. Your broken heart is not a liability, it is your motivation. It’s easy to give into tribalism. It’s easy to blame other people for your fear. It’s easy to cling to your myopic world view when all the evidence indicates you’re wrong. It’s easy to buy the lie of Nationalism. You know what Nationalism is? That idea that a piece of dirt is more important than all other pieces of dirt for no other reason than you just happened to be born on it. It’s easy to think that America belongs to you & others like you. It’s easy to believe that America must come first. That stuff is easy as pie.

What’s hard is accepting that you’re not the center of the universe so maybe you need to treat other people the way they ask to be treated, whether it’s convenient or not. What’s hard is getting knocked down every single day & still not giving in to your worst instincts. What’s hard is being full of hope when the world gives you everything but hope. What’s hard is seeing a world that’s full of mean, cold-hearted people who appear to be more successful than you…and choosing to believe that there is a God who wants you to act differently than them.

So that’s it. That’s my year-in-review. I hope yours was better.

I hope we make the next one better.

Carry on.